mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
