I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
