shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
