she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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