sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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