Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Four minutes until I can fart!
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
