the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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