I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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