That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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