im drinking this country out of the recession.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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