The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Can I color on your dick again?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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