Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
