I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
areolas are like halos for boobs.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You made out with two different species that night
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
