I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
