Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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