You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I am mentally ready for anal.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
