i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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