Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
