i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
