I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
