just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wish they made helmets for livers.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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