i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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