Girls should come with a carfax report
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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