Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
