I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
