I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
