my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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