Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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