Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
