we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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