last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
