Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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