Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
