so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
