I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
