Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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