this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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