Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
