Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
