I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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