At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
