i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
