Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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