He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
