remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
