Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
