I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
