Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Randomize
