my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
