i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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