Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize