I'm pants shitting drunk right now
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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