I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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