Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
