I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
