i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
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