He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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