Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
