and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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