I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
