i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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