stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
