i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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